A chicks perspective of course(why?-because I am one:-)

Six fifteen, we’re supposed to have left for the movie 15 minutes ago! Late again! Nothing new for me. I have to admit that I’ve been prone to being late (no comment from those that know me well–zip it!

So my general lateness aside(and going with 2 wee ones), the one thing that consistently interferes with me getting out the door on time is my appearance. It is a rare occasion that I would simply grab jeans and t-shirt, pull my hair back and race out the door. A shower is still a must of course, no matter how confident!

Even if I can physically fit into a piece of clothing, it doesn’t end there. Standing in front of the mirror I cannot walk away without a critique. It doesn’t fit just right, and the ” if onlys” creep in:
*if only I was skinnier
*if only I was prettier
*if only I was stronger
*if only I was more toned
*and every other imaginable mind clutter I could add to my existence.

So then 4 pairs of pants(dare not shorts), 3 shirts, and lets not forget new underwear and bra later, I step away from the mirror! That’s right a full wardrobe change, most likely ending in wearing the initial item picked, and now I’m late, grumpy, disgusted with myself, and really not pleasant to be around in general! Ohhh, and do we really think that sweatshirt around the a%$ thing works to hide anything?! No, just says ” please look here, I think my butt looks fat today!

Ahhh, but let’s not be too quick to forget hair and make up! That’s another production. Up or down, straight or curly, “should I let it grow long, should I cut it short”. Really would any of these choices satisfy us? Probably not.

Unless perfection could be accomplished, we’re not happy! There are probably few women that walk away from the mirror feeling satisfied. For those that do…I salute you and want to know the secret!

In my humble opinion we all feel this way a little bit, but it becomes overwhelming when you’re fat! More makeup, more frequent hair styles, trying to find the most recent style to distract me from my body. Maybe if the makeup was just right, maybe if I found the perfect hairstyle or the best clothes, then that would take away my insecurities?

We teach our little girls to not be arrogant, to compliment others, and to value the opinions of those around them. But maybe we should ensure they learn the depth of their own beauty, the appreciation for who they are and that it’s OK to be confident and value their own opinion over another’s, especially if that opinion is self praise. We discourage that far too often, it won’t make them mean and arrogant, just confident. It’s other things in life that make people negative, not confidence!

They are not born with an opinion of ugliness, they learn that and the fact that magazine covers and fad diets are important. That a person’s exterior beauty is the most important, no matter how intelligent, how funny, how fit or how caring that person may be. And no, I don’t live in a fairytale world where we all get along….but girls and women can be strong and confident, that’s no fairytale.

So if they come to know that health, fitness and having a purpose for doing anything is important, they will succeed at being themselves and loving most moments of it. Even if there comes a time when they have to find their way back to fitness then they can do it with confidence and enjoy life in the process!

So I’ve decided to continue to find a purpose for doing and being! Not wearing make-up for me is definitely a challenge! But the enjoyment of getting to an awesome kick boxing and self defense training session on time, far outweighs standing in front a mirror fretting over covering my face!

Searching for advise and information about fat/weight loss that didn’t include the words surgery, quick, instant, calorie reduced, diet and something not endorsed by a size 0 celebrity, proved to be an exercise in frustration. Not exactly the kind of exercise I was looking for!

I just want to live my life, loose fat, and get fit, NOT get fit and then live my life.

I found a trainer and coach that opened my mind to the concept of living a particular life style, finding a REAL purpose for doing anything in life(but especially getting healthy/fit) and finding something active I would enjoy.

Have I been lucky for this-absolutely, so when I was asked how I stay focused(especially in the beginning, when results aren’t instantly visible and the scale wasn’t my friend) I thought I would share all that I have had the benefit of learning.

My best advise is the toughest advise.
* Let go of your time line and focus on what you want overall in life( your purpose for doing)….is it for your children, your health, to look like a hot mama, to have more energy every day(but be specific here).

* Go to Thor’s videos(see link) and review the series about motivation (“If you want to be thin… 1-6″). They are simple, intelligent and from the heart. Listen to them by yourself, with head phones on!!

* The minute I go back to giving myself deadlines and amounts to loose in a certain amount of time I start to gain weight. Without fail!!

* Get sleep!! Easier said than done for an insomniac like myself! It helps me think clearer, keeps my hormones a little more balanced, gives me energy to workout and heal from those workouts, and overall I feel more relaxed.

* If the weight loss is for an “event” and then you tell yourself you’ll maintain, you need to look past “the event”, and even if you starved yourself for the next couple of months and lost the weight, when you start eating “normal” the weight comes back. Make subtle healthy choices, let that be normal, nothing to maintain later.

* Which one do you want? To look good (and feel good) for that one event or spend the next 40 years as a fit, healthy hot mama(or papa , all the while living life to the fullest!!

*Those event pictures won’t make you who you are, and believe me I get the picture thing!! What will make you who you are, is who you are after that event and for the rest of your life!!

*Read my scale blog again as well( not egotistical, just my feelings). You may not drop 20lbs by your deadline, keep up what you’re doing and enjoy it, you will have more energy and be generally healthier and be living your life while getting fitter.

*Sorry if sounds brutal…..but this is what I’ve had to face up to, it was tough, but now feels great!

I swear….so hard but worth it when it starts to happen…I’ve lost 20 lbs and 5 belt notches and it’s taken 7 months and I’m so much fitter. So imagine if your goal was 20lbs, you’d be there if you were me (and by that time you would have stopped focusing on the 20 lb. part)!

After 2 weeks of vacation and a few screw ups, I put nothing back on, I truly believe that if I had been on a “diet” I would have gained weight and felt much worse physically.

I’ve got about 80 more pounds to go, so if you’re ok to give it time and find a true purpose for doing it, it will stay off and imagine where you will be for the rest of your life (it may take me another year or 2 to get to the place I want to be:-), but I’m just living life in the mean time!!

I know so tough to think about it this way, but just go one day at a time!! Hope this helps!!

It is inevitable that the people we surround ourselves with will eventually have some influence on us. Whether it be family, friends, co-workers or casual acquaintances, the people in our lives can have a negative or positive impact on who we are, how we behave, how we think and even who we become.

In much the same way we choose what we read, watch or listen to, we can choose who we are influenced by. We can at least choose the amount of exposure we have to a negative or positive person and how we allow them to influence us.

When I say we should ensure we’re around positive people, doesn’t mean perfect people. They are simply people who have characteristics we want to possess, we admire and respect that person.

Not because of how much money they have, where they work, who they know or how important they believe they are. It is because of their basic characteristics, the core of who they are. An individual or group of people that makes you smile, who embraces who you are and don’t request or encourage you change, unless a change is what you desire.

That person will support you in new challenges, they are honest, caring, and loyal. They do not give mindless praise. They say what they mean and mean what they say (pardon the cliche). You may not agree on every aspect of religion, politics, science or relationships, but respect remains mutual. We admire or at least accept each others imperfections and quirks(like the facts that I’m always late, I talk a lot, I have more energy at 2300 than 0700 and I hate having bedsheets tucked in at the bottom;-).

I love that I am lucky enough to have a group of friends that are different from me and different from each other. Imagine just how boring and egotistical life would be if we were surrounded with carbon copies of ourselves and ideas exactly as our own, or a small variation of such( just enough to make us think we’re outside of the box)! So not only do we need to limit interaction with negativity, we need to embrace that which is different!

Even though we are responsible for our own actions we all need inspiration, encouragement and motivation. We also need to be the person inspiring, motivating and encouraging people the people we encounter. It takes balance.

It should not matter how often you see the people in our lives or how often you talk, sometimes geography is just geography and what matters most is that when contact is made, it feels as if only a day as passed, and we know that person is there for us no matter what. And if it’s a brief encounter with someone we barely know, that we are inspired to do something, whether it be a wanted change in ourselves or to help another face a challenge(not because of pity or the need to pump up your own ego but because there is something about that person that makes you feel that they deserve opportunity).

When a person sits back and reviews their life, if not for the people in it, past and present what kind of story would we have? If we gain something from all of our encounters and hold on to the positive and learn and then let go of the negative, we can use that to inspire and propel any change we wish to make in ourselves. It can also help us appreciate what is good in ourselves.

And most of all we need to laugh, have fun and appreciate how lucky we are to know certain people and allow ourselves to be appreciated, praised and comforted. Whether it be a child, a love, a friend, family or acquaintances, new or old…..appreciate and learn from them…..maybe we can all learn a little from the wee ones about influences in our lives

“So Go Ahead, quit”, not words one expects to hear from a personal trainer and coach. It may sound brutal, but actually was said with a caring yet thought provoking attitude. It wasn’t a taunt or sarcasm, it wasn’t meant to be condescending, flippant or hurtful.

It was said in response to me stating that I was “ready to quit”. I was seeking advise and assistance with my being frustrated with my lack of advancement in training (or at least what I saw as being stagnant) and my obsession with the scale and feeling like I wasn’t “losing enough weight” fast enough.

Was this a cruel statement to say to someone struggling to stay on track with a health and fitness plan? Absolutely not, because it was said to stimulate thought. The phrase, “so go ahead, quit”, was immediately followed by the statement and question, “describe your life/ describe what a day would be if you did quit”? “what exactly would it be you’re quitting”?

So I thought….. Would I really achieve overall happiness? What would life be like?
I couldn’t, I had an extremely tough time describing a day without healthy eating and activity. The most difficult part was imagining what my future/life would be like if I decided on an inactive and unhealthy life.

Really, What would I be quitting?

It made me realize that for months I hadn’t actually been on a “diet” or “exercise program”, I had just been living a life that consisted of healthy eating, living life and doing fun activities I enjoyed, but I wasn’t forcing myself to do any of it. There had been challenging times, I had an injury, my food choices weren’t always perfect, but overall I was living the life of a fit healthy person.

If I were to “quit” then I would have to quit life (LIGHTBULB clicking on ….because I was actually just living life!! My life just happened to involve a lot of healthy choices.

I hadn’t lived a perfect existence on a contrived exercise plan with a specific “diet”. No quick fixes, no fads, no “forcing” myself to workout. Just healthy/active living, not perfection. I was getting fitter, healthier and yes, even losing weight, albeit slowly.

If I wanted quick fixes and instant results I could “go on a diet”, have a regimented workout plan and force myself to follow it and potentially have the pounds melt away quickly. If this were the case though, it would also leave me the option to quit, I could quit those things.

I just needed to focus on my success and long term goals, continue to enjoy the activities I had chosen, and make a few changes to ensure I was being challenged and still loving what I was doing!

WHAT IS A LIFE COACH AND DO I REALLY NEED ONE?

My image of a life coach made visions of Oprah Winfrey’s latest guru or Tony Robbins dance through my head. The image I had was that of a hyper, overstimulating, perpetually positive, well dressed, over groomed and often annoying cheerleader.

Someone who had a perfect vision of life in general and certainly had all the answers to a blissful life filled with days of pure joy, and whenever a challenge was encountered in this perfect life, they had all the answers and met it head on with a smile and a song! They clearly had no “issues” of their own, and they held some magical secret to success, happiness, euphoria and who knows, maybe even had a map to the fountain of youth for all I knew.

Would I have to believe in and hand over my autonomy to this mystical creature called a life coach. What could such a person offer me? Maybe in reality they were just full of BS and really great actors whose lives were filled with riches and misery all rolled into one little dysfunctional world? All the while pretending to have all the answers to life’s path of happiness.

That was my genuine image of what a life coach was. My very ignorant, uninformed and narrow minded view of this mystical creature, that was not a mystical creature at all, but a real person with issues and fears like everyone else, but who also had a unique way of looking at themselves, others and the world.

They realize that challenges arise in life and that the key to success is not from external place or force but within ourselves. I never would have dreamt that I would ever have the need for or actually use a life coach! I have had many challenges in life, the whole time thinking, I should just be able to deal with every single event on my own, since I was after all a strong person.

My biggest life challenge at the moment happens to be losing approximately 100 pounds, losing fat and becoming fit and healthy for the rest of my life, why would I not use every resource available to accomplish this?

This challenge to me, at this point, is more important and more difficult than a professional sports team or athlete trying to reach the top of their sport culminating in the professional title. Why then, would I not employ the talents of a coach? Would we expect any professional team to reach the top without a coach?

No, we would say they were crazy! This view came to me during a kick boxing session with my personal trainer ( and life coach), I was beating myself up (no pun intended:-) for allowing life to interfere with my training and dietary accomplishments. During gasps for breath and right hooks, he said something that stuck with me.

Why would I not use a coach, why would I expect myself to just ignore all external factors in life that will happen and will have an impact on the life changes I’m making. Life is not perfect (nor is any person), so why not accept the fact that life sucks sometimes and learn better coping skills to deal with those times. To learn to refocus and accept that no one is perfect.

I realized I needed to learn to incorporate imperfection into life, to accept the fact that it is ok to use a coach for something so important and so overwhelming as a life change and living a healthy happy life. That seeking help and advise is not a sign of weakness but one of strength.

So, these life coaches, I have learned, do not have all the answers but help guide us through times when we feel like we have no answers and coach us through realizing that the answers to life’s problems lie within our selves and it’s ok to use the power we have to seek new ideas and help.

They can be invaluable sources of advise, inspiration, knowledge, analysis and sometimes a simple wake up call to just look at something in it’s simplicity and not over analyze ( I ate the chocolate because…it tasted good!)!

So does everyone need a life coach, in my opinion we all do! Not everyone will agree with this of course, some people have sources of strength they find in family, friends, etc…but a coach is someone with a unique knowledge, view of people, the world around us and an unbiased relationship that will aid you in finding your own power.

Are there life coaches that lack knowledge, are unreliable, full of BS and undedicated? Absolutely, but you would be hard pressed to find any profession free from these characteristics, I’ve met nurses that have lost passion for life and work, but we wouldn’t put them all into one group, so why do this with a profession just because we misunderstand and fear it.

A life coach is not for everyone, but for me this has been one of the keys to my success, and how can I say success without also being able to say I have lost 100lbs, because I have changed my life and that is my success, with the pounds slowly falling away, fitness and health both making incredible increases and feeling positive about life! I don’t think I would have embrassed this concept without my coach.

When I encounter challenges and my mind set starts to falter and self doubt creeps in, I now have new skills that will help me cope( like with that mirror), and guess what, those negative thoughts will happen, because life is not perfect, it is about a collection of events, some positive and some negative, I need to celebrate the positive and overcome the negative!

Why Tammy’s Mirror?

One of the most effective ways to destroy our motivation for taking positive action and changing our lives is negative self talk. We will often think, say, and believe things about ourselves that we would be appalled to hear someone say about another person, but for some reason, we feel that it is perfectly fine to do this to ourselves.

A mirror is a constant reminder of how we feel about the way we look, which in turn becomes negative self thoughts and before we know it, negative self talk. A mirror is something we use everyday, and if we don’t like what we see, the simple act of brushing our teeth can become destructive to our path to self confidence and life change. The picture above was taken on my wedding day; even thought we had a brilliant and understanding photographer, it was not my idea of fun. A mirror and a photo all rolled into one! This picture caused many tears to be shed on the return of our wedding photos, as did many others!  I have to say, not because of the quality or professioanlism of the talented photographer.  It was strictly my thoughts on my own appearance and reflection.

The definition of a mirror is said to be a reflective surface that reflects a clear image! When we’re fat, out of shape, unfit and feeling as though there is no way to fix these issues( or any physical image that holds us back), a mirror is anything but something that reflects a clear image. It becomes a medium for distorted, inaccurate and intensified images of what is seen, as well as what is not seen. It magnifies both the acceptable and unacceptable visual image reflected.

If we’re already in a place of self destructive behaviour and thoughts it is the perfect place for us to be reassured that everything negative we think about ourselves is true(or at least that’s what we perceive).

The ultimate place that mirror is evident is the gym wall. The gym (a place that we should use to boost our self image), the fact that we are there working out, becoming stronger and fitter should be something to be proud of, but not so much when on every turn, every weight repetition we are reminded of all things we hate about ourselves, believing that who we are is wrapped up in what we look like.

When we look in a mirror it is the physical image that is reflected back, so powerful is such a image that we forget who we are as people. I am a great mom, a loyal friend, a nurse that have saved lives, comforted during death and helped bring life in to the world, but all of that gets erased in front of the mirror!

I have never been more aware of this than I have in the last few months as I’ve started training more. My new love for kick boxing(with a few mma moves thrown in;-) places me in front of a mirror more than I like! I remember the first time my trainer(whom I NOW consider brilliant), placed me in front of a mirror to do something called shadow box! I seriously thought he had been hit in the head too many times that day!

His goal surely was to torture me, it must be, what other reason for this madness must he have? There is nothing that will force us to look ourselves straight in the eye and not turn away more than the process of shadow boxing in a mirror. It turns out his intention was to improve my technique, to teach me to be powerful and gain the ability to defend myself and my family, and if in the process i could recognize my strength and ability then bonus! His plan wasn’t to torture me after all! I’m pretty sure he could have been more creative if that was his real goal

I still spout phrases that would make most sailors blush when placed in front of a mirror for any reason, but I’m working on it!! My next biggest challenge is to over come that negative self talk that happens in front of that mirror, and to over come it’s ability to negate all the positive things i have and will do in my life!

A family vacation to Portugal and memories that last a life time, all captured on film and video. This was one of many times that a simple picture destroyed moments of what was supposed to be a time of happiness.

I have a passion for photography and capturing every instant of laughter, joy and family togetherness. With one exception, that this family member(me) is rarely found in any of those photos and videos. Too embarrassed to be caught on film and to have the image of my body captured forever. To have that single image of me define who I am and be my legacy. For years to come, even if that time was the most joyous of my life, and no matter what that picture was meant to capture, it ultimately captured an uncomfortable moment of dread for me.

So powerful that on my wedding day i could not relax and have fun until the pictures were taken. No matter how wonderful the photographer or what my husband said, I could not let go. The fear of having my picture taken was so strong that literally moments after the birth of my beautiful children, I had some of that precious time stolen from me, knowing my picture was being taken. As crazy as this sounds, it’s true! I have so many photos with myself strategically placed behind my kids! How had I let my self image destroy such important moments? Avoiding the camera has been a part of my life for so many years, even at times when my confidence was at it’s highest, it was still over powering.

I remember being a little girl and finding an old old camera in my grandmothers closet and spending hours looking at old crinkled black and white photos. It was always a fascination of mine to listen to the stories that accompanied the pictures, who the people were, where they came from, and the life they lead( essentially their legacy). I remember thinking how interesting the stories were, what I don’t remember is the main focus being that of appearance!

We never sat and described people as fat, skinny, or ugly,but instead their descriptions grew out of character traits; who was funny, who loved to dance, who was a hero, and even who was a bit mischievous. Yes, there were the comments about appearance, but more in regard to how beautiful someone was, how dapper the men were and how classy the ladies, but a negative physical descriptor was never used to describe those people.

Why was that? It was because if my grandmother was holding onto those old photos, they were of people that she cared about, people she cherished and loved, people that when she spoke about them her eyes lit up with pride. I am grateful those people did not hide from the camera, because their stories may have been lost and I would have been robbed of knowing them and speeding that time with my grandmother.

So after all that I have said, the beginning of my journey to becoming fit, healthy and slim may very well have started with memory of finding that old camera and the love for the stories that come with old photos, or any photo for that matter. It is a two fold desire to become fit and slim: To be around for as long as I can for my kids, but while I’m here to feel comfortable in the body I have and realize that the people that really care about me don’t care what I look like. They care about who I am and the character traits that make me who I am(my legacy), and it’s OK for one of those traits to be a strong person that thrives on challenge and takes on a challenge for the right reasons and completes it, the challenge of living a life of enjoyment and capturing every moment on film!

I had to start enjoying life and the rest(health, fitness, and a slim body) would follow. The misery that was created from hating my physical being from head to toe was destroying my passion and drive for change. None of us know how long we have, but if I’m here until I’m 90 I want to look back and cherish every moment thus far and the rest to be one hell of a journey!!