I’ve been struggling to write.  I love to write, it’s been one of the most valuable tools I’ve had over the past 2 years.  Tools that have helped me decide to take control of my life and at the same let go of trying to control everything.  I haven’t been able to write recently because my head has been spinning, my thoughts have been all over the place.  I would start a post and then scrap it because I felt like I had nothing to contribute.  I’m not a “success story”, I haven’t accomplished anything great, no 100 pound weight loss, no marathon run,  no triathlon completed,  no amazing before and after picture to show.  It was a felling of failure, that I had let myself down,my family,my trainer, my previous coach-I had let everyone down.

I began to believe that I deserved to have horrible things happen to me because I my weight.  I did not deserve to have my dreams come true.  I found myself starting to give up.  When things “got worse” over christmas and I gained weight I had a sinking feeling in my heart.  I would never loose weight, I would never reach my physical goals.  This was it, this was the way it is going to be.

Then I realized something(even though it’s a conversation I’d had many times before with my very patient trainer something finally started to click). My realization was that I felt didn’t deserve to have the life I wanted.  There is something that was holding me back.  FEAR.  Fear of everything, of success, of failure, of what people would think of me-now and later.  I’ve never been one to care what people think of me: how I raise my children, my tattoos, what friends I have, who I love, the people I surround myself with, where I live and on and on.  But for some reason I allow myself get completely enveloped by what people  think when it comes to my weight.  I think part of it is my fear of success and failure.

I find myself explaining to people without being prompted that it will be a slow process and in a round about way-don’t expect big results.  I prime myself and others for my failure-”just in case”.  Just in case I fail.  I haven’t walked around telling people that I will succeed, because it gives me a window for failure.  I won’t have to face up to anything.  And if I quit? Well nobody expected me to accomplish anything anyway.  I can say “I tried”.

What I didn’t realize was that I was setting myself up for self defeat.  I was making it OK for me to fail and then quit.  I now realize that the times I didn’t meet my goal I was actually getting one step closer to what I wanted.  Instead of moving forward after a defeat I wasted time in self pity and self defeating confirmation.  I truly can’t imagine what life would be like if I physically and mentally get to the place I want to be. I suppose instead of forcing myself to step forward, stand my ground and force myself to see what the result could be, it’s easier to fall back on old habits and accept defeat.

I expected not to succeed and I didn’t!!  It’s easier for me to quit when no one expects me to win, especially  me!  Given my personality if I did succeed I don’t think people would be as shocked as I think they would be.  Maybe I wouldn’t be either, if I constantly told myself I was going to get what I wanted.  Why do we hesitate to praise ourselves.

Why can’t we smile and say thank you for a compliment. Why can’t some of us just take a breath and say from the pit of our stomachs that “this is it” “I deserve this” I’ve got what it takes” “I will get what I want and need”.  There seems to be something in many of us(especially women) that makes us feel like we shouldn’t be so positive about what we can accomplish.  Strange, considering some of the things I have done.  Hell, I made a couple of humans and then proceeded to deliver them into the world

I’m starting to get this, and it will probally take me a long time before I get the complete picture, but I won’t quit.  I need to trust myself and not live with a fear of failure.  I need to dig deep, nobody can do this but me.  I want to surround myself with people that are positive, kick my ass when needed, and allow me to have the occasional meltdown and self doubt(but not allow me to drown in it).  This is going to be tough, but so what-nothing worth having is easy….right?

Can it be fun-Absolutely, but it’s OK to have to suck it up once in awhile.  That’s just life, anyone that tells you life is bliss and they’ve enjoyed every second and never struggled .  A little struggle just makes us tougher – focusing on the struggle and not the end result will just set us up for failure.

Here’s the part where I want to say, please excuse, this is not my best writing ever-not even close.  That’s the part of me that warns you of my failure.  It’s time to move on from this kind of thinking.  Kicking a little ass in life is not a bad thing, taking charge and committing to success is not a crime.  So stick around and read again-I might stumble and fall, get down on myself, allow my self defeating attitude to take me down…..but I can assure it will not beat me.  Part of winning is never quitting, no more quitting.

I’m not a failure, life is more than a number on a scale.  It can not BE my life, but for now it has to be part of it.  Look around, listen to the people you surround yourself with.  They are there for a reason, if you can not find reason for them then move on.  It is your life, it’s time for us all to be strong.  What ever struggle we have, whatever mind set we are in-allow space in your life for success.  I once had a wise person tell me a little stumble of the trail does not mean I’ve fallen into a deep revenue.  Words to live by.

I recently signed on to part of a group of bloggers that I admire http://fitnessblogworld.com/.

It was recommended that I join by a person who is a wonderful writer,funny as hell and supportive http://www.bikiniorbust.com .  I haven’t been online or blogged much in the last few months.  It’s been a crazy summer, a summer in which I intended to get myself completely organized, finish with the renovations happening in my house, be mother and wife of the year and of course lose more weight and get fitter.

I have to admit that out of all of my expectations for the summer, my hopes were highest for the weight loss part and therefore my devastation most apparent when I hadn’t succeeded in my goals.  I’m not sure they were realistic to start with.  I knew I would be continuing with a renovation we have happening, I still had my two wee ones at home, I would travel and be without my wonderful trainer and chiropractor.   I was going to spend time with my mother in law(can you say stressful relationship), attend a reunion and friends wedding and spend a lot of family time. I was convinced I would succeed (and be perfect), but I must say not -mentally prepared to deal with the emotional stuff that would come up.

I allowed myself to fall into old patterns of having a few great days and then allow life to get in the way of my success, no one to blame but myself.  I lost focus, felt lost, and allowed all my old insecurities to creep in.  Somedays were great and i was really proud of myself, but then I would fall of course.  I know for me this is not good- I struggle to lose even when I follow a program to the letter.  So I think I had a bit of a  ” F  it ” attitude.

So our bloggers topic for this week was where do you see yourself in the future, 6 months or longterm, what are your goals, how will you get there, how do you get back on track? You get the idea.  I was stumped, I couldn’t write about this, I felt like I had no direction, no goals, I realized that I had actually quit and not even realized it, I had stopped working towards my goals because I really didn’t know what they were anymore.

So time to refocus, get my ass in gear, and figure out what and why I want exactly!! I’m not normally a point form person, as you can tell , but maybe that’s what I need??!!  To successfully complete goals I still need to figure out the why and how!!

~  Down 5″ of waist and 3″ of thighs by Dec 1st

~  Down 2 dress sizes by Dec 1st

~  Write a blog post once per week on my progress, as well as read a minimal of 3 posts by other inspirational bloggers

~  Figure out a way to be OK with what I’m doing professionally right now-choosing to stay home until after christmas.

~  Workout a minimal of 6 days per week.

~  Use the resources I have, be OK with asking for help when I lose focus.

~ Long term I want to walk into a kickboxing gym with my trainer a really focus with confidence and fitness on kickboxing.

~ Continue to fight the battle inside my head

~ post progress photos!!

Feel free to throw me some advise, other goal ideas, any ideas or inspirational stories would be appreciated!!!

Health and happiness to you!

That scary little creature, all green and intimidating!  That’s right that big bad Lima bean scared me!  OK, it didn’t really scare me, I think it’s food in general that scares me!

I’ve had such a messed up relationship with food for a long time.  I would eat too much, eat the wrong foods, go on crazy diets, and then start it all over again.  I’ve read every book and talked to every expert.  There are people I trust and those I think are full of crap(did I really think cabbage soup would change my life)!  The things we will buy into with the promise of a quick fix and having dreams come true!  I guess it took us all awhile to realize- the big fat guy in the red suit is not real either(although it didn’t take me 30 years to figure that one out)!

So, over the last couple of years I’ve decided I’m going to get healthy and fit and fuel my body with good foods.  The problem comes with information overload.  It may sound crazy, but I now have a fear of “messing up”.  I fear choosing the wrong food, at the wrong time, for the wrong purpose.  I have a few people and books I trust immensely, I know the information is good and they all have the same basic principals,with a few different opinions about certain things.  Eat real food, watch portion size, if I can’t pronounce it-don’t eat it, drink water, make my plate up mostly of veggies( the phrase in our house is your colours), but balance it with good high fibre low GI carbohydrates and protein.

Sounds simple right?  Well, not in the head of a messed up, life long committed (or should be committed dieter!   I start out doing great.  Then I start to distrust myself, my knowledge and what I believe.  I get scared I’m going to disappoint the people I trust (certainly not their fault-they have no idea how crazy I can be about food .  I start obsessing about the minute differences in their ideas.  I start to second guess myself.

So in getting back on track after the summer, (which was not a total disaster, but not my regular routine), I decide I’m going to start using my cookbooks a bit more.  I have a few I believe in Tosca Reno, jillian micheals “master your metabolism” and a wonderful cookbook that was written by a group of warrior women(a fundraiser for my friend with breast cancer), it’s full of cancer fighting, mom friendly healthy recipes.

So I pick a recipe, cashew butter and lima bean stir fry, I served with quinoa for us and whole wheat pasta for the kids.  So there I was staring at the big bad lima bean!  Does this meal fit into my plan, it’s not exactly what I’m supposed to eat, and “butter” is in the title!! So I dove in- I conquered my fear and took down that lima bean-it never had a chance

It was delicious, there was no other fat source in there, loads of veggies, lean chicken and quinoa.  You’d swear from my anxiety I was about to down a double big mac!  As hard has it is I have to go for it, trust myself and teach my kids about good food and not to be scared of a bean-just my husband after he eats them!  Someday I’ll have to tell you about my banana dilemma, do I eat them at all, afternoon or morning, in other foods-madness!

So go ahead, take down that lima bean!  I have to trust myself.  I know there are times when intense analysis of food is important for certain people, but I’m a mom with a mission to get healthier and fit, and raise my kids to not be obsessed with food, and damn it, not to be scared of a lima bean!  I think I’m a reasonably intelligent and rational(OK, this may be pushing it) person, but intelligent yes!  So tonight I will cook something delicious from Jillian micheal’s cookbook with great easy healthy ingredients!

So if you see someone looking dazed, confused and hiding out near the turnips, go ahead and  say hi-it might be me!

I’m not sure I’ve ever truly trusted myself!! What’s your philosphy on food,fear,and how we mess with our own heads!?

many hugs

T

Falling of the path, something I know well….

This time though I won’t let my miss step lead me down the wrong path.  About 5 months ago I decided to take charge of my life, In a sense it was a continuation of a journey I chose to take last year-to get fit and healthy.  I’ve been doing a great job putting in my time exercising, sticking with a healthy food plan, accepting that my progress has been slow, not extreme but permanent.

Sure, I’d had a few stumbles and trips along the way, but nothing that took me off my path, I had a destination and I stuck with the map.

The phrase JOURNEY gets tossed around a lot in the circles of weight loss books, blogs and videos.  Some people dismiss it as another catch phrase, but I actually find it truly appropriate.

When we seek out a destination and take a journey we need a plan, a route to get to where we need to go.  It’s important to realize obstacles may appear, there may be detours, your vehicle may not function exactly as you had hoped and depending on who your travel companions are you will have great support or endless discouragement.

Those left behind may wish they were in your place and give praise, while others will dismiss your travels as ridiculous and say it has changed you too much.  I never again leave on a trip and choose someone for the passenger seat that will simply sit next to me and remind me of all my insecurities, tell me this is a ridiculous idea, that I’m taking the wrong route or that I really didn’t want to go in the first place-NO thanks-I’m leaving you at the curb!

So much like that road trip, the way to a healthy life, living slim, fit and healthy is a journey.  A week and half ago I went from a incredible level of motivation to stumbling off the path in big way.  I allowed all those detours, negative thoughts, and insecurities to creep back in.  I stopped exercising and ate crap for 5 days.

Then something happened, I remembered some wise words from two of my mentors.

* During a Scottish woodland hike one day with Thor Holt we talked about falling off the path-that a few bad days or even weeks is not the end, not worth giving up completely.  That it’s like tripping and falling over some branches and merely stepping out of the path, not as if I’d turned around and ran full speed back to the beginning, I haven’t broken both of my legs or have no idea where I need to go-I just need to step back on and keep going.

* A couple of weeks ago before my trainer Christina left for a month she gave me a few words to live by.  I think she may have been more aware of my up coming challenges than I was!  She’s always been incredibly supportive and inspiring, facing challenges head on.  She encouraged me to remember how far I’ve come, to appreciate how strong I am mentally and physically, to trust my body and mind, and to believe I deserve what I want. I should not give up, to remember the work we’ve done to make my knee healthy, strong and pain free.  If I do nothing else get my cardio in and do my knee exercises.  Believe in myself.

So that’s what I did, I did all of those things.  I stepped back on the path, remembered how far I’ve come, went to sleep with my running shoes and ipod at my bedside, and set my alarm.  I got up, got dressed, turned on some kickass music, did 45 minutes of cardio(1/2 hour up hill walk and 15 on spin bike-not my normal hour,but back on the path), did lunges, one leg squats and 100 “baby” crunches!! I’m back! I still need to make sure my laces are tied tight and my map stays close but I’m now headed in the right direction again-not stopping and turning back this time! Oh and a little coffee always helps any road trip

What’s your thoughts, have you ever stumbled and fallen down, what made you get back up and keep going?

Credit where credit is due

www.evolvesportsfitness.com

www.thorholt.com

NO REGRETS!  I made a decision a few years ago to live my life that way.  It was today during a conversation with my trainer http://www.evolvesportsfitness.com/about.shtml that I realized I was no longer living with the full no regret policy that I had lived with for so long.  We were talking about realizing the potential we have and accepting that it’s ok to want something, go for it and realize most of all, we deserve it.

I have, without a doubt embraced life, conquered fears and made my own path.  I would take focus, make a decision and whatever the outcome-have no regrets-knowing it was my choice, I did my best and I went for it.

I genuinely have no regret getting married at 22 and later divorced, that I took challenging nursing jobs in Canada’s far north, embracing my first airplane flight ever-one on which I was a flight nurse and other craziness that lead me to change forever as a nurse and person.  I don’t regret walking away from certain relationships and embracing others.  That trip white water rafting down a river in Bali( I can’t swim,but at least I had a life jacket;-), certainly is not regrettable.  My biggest non-regret, meeting my amazing husband and having my 2 beautiful kids.

I’ve always spoke my mind-sometimes not well received and even though I may think I could have presented my thoughts differently have no regret in letting my thoughts be known.  I take responsibility for my actions, I hate lies, and love surrounding myself with people that make me a better person and I hope I have something to offer something to them.

I’ve always said “everything happens for a reason”, the cliche that most people use when they need hope or have no other explanation.  I actually don’t think I really believe this-I think what I actually believe is that we need to find some purpose in everything, otherwise we might waste time searching for answers that don’t exist.  The ability to move on comes from finding purpose.  I had not thought much about true purpose until I met someone I can now call a friend not just a coach and trainer http://tammysmirror.com/2010/07/how-do-i-say-thank-you/ I guess my no regrets theory meant I found purpose in each action I’d taken in life or action by others that had impacted me.

Oddly the one thing I constantly beat myself up for and focus on the past is my weight loss challenge.  I realize how much fear I’ve developed that holds me back http://tammysmirror.com/2011/04/are-you-fearless/ . That focus on the past is actually a regret-I don’t think I ever thought about it that way before. I realize this fear/regret has mostly been present since I’ve had children.  There’s the fear of not being good enough, disappointing them or doing something that might negatively impact their lives, because they mean more to than anything else.  I need to move forward and remember the no regret, ballsy policy that I lived with for years-it made me who I am.

I need to remember all the success and experience that I had living that way(with no regrets).  I need to move on from the negative past when it comes to my weight loss journey.  I want my kids to live their lives being kind, respectful and honourable but with no regrets.  How can I teach that if I’m no longer living it?  I have to start living it again,  I am where I am right now-no regrets, I just  need to say fuck it and go for it, keep pushing forward, no looking back at anything except the positive.  Can we learn from mistakes? Absolutely but we can not live by them!

Time to kick a little ass, surround myself and my family with like minded people and go for it.  Maybe that’s why one of my new passions is mma and kickboxing-I admire that drive to fight through, to not give up, to forget what happened the second before and push on.  That’s for another post though as some of my closet friends think I’ve lost my mind to record UFC fights and a date night includes attending my trainers Muay Thai fight, but they love me anyway

“It’s a lifestyle -not a diet”…..heard tonight on another commercial promoting a pill/supplement that will aid in weight loss!  The latest catch phrase in the diet industry.  I call bullshit!  I’ve felt this has been coming for awhile with me, I’ve decided that over the last few weeks I have been truly changing my life.

I finally stepped away from the scale(with the help of my trainer), I don’t need it!  For 30 years since the age of 8 I’ve allowed it to define me.  From the pure bliss when the numbers go down to complete devastation when the numbers go up or stay the same.  I’ve been told for years that my life is defined by a number.

When I was 8 I stepped on a scale for the first time and was told I was too heavy. When I look back on pictures I was a sad little girl fed the wrong foods and living in a crazy world.  I had chubby cheeks and probably could have used to run around outside and ride my bike little more, but instead I was denied certain foods and my reward would be a blue sweater from the sears catalogue(One that I wanted for a long time)-funny thing is, I don’t remember if I got that sweater or not!

What I do know is that it was the beginning of a very fucked up relationship with food and the scale!! Nothing else has ever mattered to me in my relationship with fitness and health other than the scale!  I have messed up my body, I have starved, I have binged, I have have thought about food every minute of the day-but more in relation to how it will affect the scale, not for what it will contribute to my body! http://tammysmirror.com/2010/03/the-scale-the-ultimate-key-to-failure/

Last year I met someone that opened my eyes and changed my life http://tammysmirror.com/2010/07/how-do-i-say-thank-you/ He introduced me to the concept of loving what I do when it related to being active and taught me that it’s OK to live outside the box, to be myself when it came to my health and life.  I started to understand my body, health, honesty, dealing with my relationship with food and the scale.  I lost weight slowly that year and I’ve kept evey pound off-with limited focus on the scale for the first time ever!

One common thread that kept coming up over and over—Why was so ballsy, gutsy, successful and fearless in the other aspects of my life but not when it came to getting fit and losing weight?  Self sabotage, undeserving, doing what was expected of me and being completely absorbed and ruled by the scale comes to mind. It was as if anything that involved weight loss left me weak, dependent and defeated. I was once told I’m supposed to have some big epiphany and until I do I will not succeed, that may true for some people…….but here’s what hit me today-my big epiphany is that I don’t need one, I’m changing my life not a damn light bulb-this is going to take a bit more time than that!!!

I want to scream-I am changing my life!!!!! Not words to be thrown around easily, it’s a long tough process.  I won’t be inside the box.  The reason for my other successes has been my determination, commitment, knowledge, loyalty and trust.  Doing things my way doesn’t mean I do it alone-it means surrounding myself with people that believe in me, that will allow me exist outside the box while I fix the damage I’ve done to my body, to allow me and remind to focus on the positive.  People that will kick my ass when needed, because I’m human and I will struggle at times.

I feel energized at the thought of it, tonight I finally feel relaxed and my lack of sleep is not because I’m beating myself up over the fact that I had a small piece of cake but because everyday this week I took steps towards a healthy life, my clothes fit better, my muscles are forming every time I lift a weight, with every step up and every punch my heart thanks me, every squat and leg exercise helps mend my injured knee and yes….the fact that I’m wearing shorts today(last year I wouldn’t consider it for a second outside of my workouts).

I will no longer devalue my body, my mind, my soul or that gutsy person I can be, because of the scale.  It doesn’t mean that I now get to slack off in my efforts it just means my body will tell what’s happening not the scale, I will still continue to work with my incredibly supportive trainer, coach, doctor, chiropractor and massage therapist to solve problems and move forward.

Today I had an “easy out” of my workout, but I figured out a way to get it done anyway-not because of what it was going to do for the scale but because of what it does for my body and mind-and because I love it!!  I was not worried about whether or not I was wearing the exact clothes as last week, ate the same food, drank the same amount of water etc, because there was no weigh in-I had one focus-the workout!!

I will not shorten my life span with the stress caused by the scale!  Changing my life doesn’t mean I get a new number on the scale! I can’t remember the last time I felt so relaxed-I am eager to see what further changes are going to happen to my mind and body and I will truly appreciate what has already happened!

Surround yourself by people who make you believe in you!

What do you think-what does changing your life really mean?

A short four letter word with big meaning and big consequences.  As human beings fear has an innate purpose, it is meant to keep us alive, protect us from danger and make us aware of our surroundings.  Fear is that gut feeling that makes us decide is it a time to run or time to fight-either way, it is supposed to keep us alive.  It is supposed to be a good thing, but is it a good thing for all of us, all the time?  Is there such a thing as fearless?

I am afraid, afraid of too many things, so much so that it leads me to feel paralysed, immobilized in my tracks, frozen in life.  This is not the purpose for which it is meant.  How can I save my life if I am so scared I can not move.  To most people I’ve never been considered fearful.  I’ve been called brave, gutsy, ballsy, crazy, someone that takes chances and soaks up challenges with passion.

I have had great success in life, career, I am incredibly proud and confident has a nurse and as a mom(most days), I believe that I can do most things I attempt, like the day I packed my jeep and headed for canada’s arctic to be a flight nurse, at 3 A.M. when my son was delivered by emergency c-section, when I moved countries with my family, or when I have been faced with a dying child and their parent screaming in my ear to do something-I had fear but it made me choose to fight, I was scared but I stayed calm and did whatever I could to get the outcome I needed to get.

Why then have I allowed fear to engulf me time after time when it comes to fighting for myself.  Why did I choose to to stand still-I did not run, I did not fight.  Why have I not been able to channel that passion, determination and grit into a fight for me.  Why am I so terrified and what am I so scared of?  If there’s ever been something you’ve wanted but fear as kept you from leaning forward and jumping into a new life, an adventure or becoming what you want…you understand.

I fear I will fail, I will fail at never reaching a fitness goal, a weight, an appreciation for what I see in the mirror and what I feel inside.  That I will never learn to conquer those things and just live.

I fear success, what will I do with it when I get there, and where exactly is “there”, do I know exactly what I want and do I need to know exactly where I will end up to start moving forward? Who will I be then and what will I have to do get there.  What if I’m not strong enough.  When I get that self I want, will I know what to do with it.

I’m afraid of making a mistake, how do I decide when to take control and when to let go?  What will I have to do to get to where I want to be, am I willing and tough enough to do that.

Can I push through the fear of dying, dying young and leaving behind two beautiful children that need me.  I am scared that I will die fat, that I will die during a workout, you may not understand these concepts if you’ve never lived my life, but it’s real.  The legacy I don’t want to leave behind is dying fat-I fear that is all anyone will remember of me, even though I know I am so much more.   Some may say use the fear to push through the workout, but this is the paralyzing emotion I speak of-afraid to do and afraid not to.

I think dying young is a fear of most people, but for anyone struggling with a body that they don’t appreciate, it can incapacitate us.  My biggest fear-maybe not so much dying but the fear of what legacy I leave behind, that I will run out of time before I become what I want or before I get to impact the world the way I want.  I allow every challenge that is related to fitness, food and health to stop me in my tracks, I freeze with fear.  I start to think…what if…..

I don’t believe there is such a thing as fearless, even the most thrill seeking adventurer, hero and risk taker has fear, but it drives them to survive whatever challenge they take.  Even the smallest gut feeling that motivates a parachutist to pull the cord is fear,  the hero pilot that lands a disabled plane safely has fear-otherwise there would be no instinct to survive-they just channel that survival instinct to push aside fear and do what needs to be done.

It’s time for the negative thoughts and energy to go away.  I need to learn to channel the drive, commitment, passion and toughness I have in every other aspect of my life into saving me, valuing and trusting in me.  I need to find that place in my heart that knows my legacy is already in existence and it has nothing to do with the size of my waist.  It has to do with my love, heart, values, and knowledge I have used and shared with others, that will be what I leave behind-that is who I am now and I can only add more value to that legacy with every passing day.  I need to focus on a bigger purpose than reducing a number on a scale-my true purpose will help me use my fear to fight!

Are you afraid?  What pushes you through?  Am I the only one that thinks this way, am I really alone with this thinking?  Please leave your thoughts, success, dreams and fears…

hugs

Have you ever looked in the mirror and truly liked what you see?  I don’t just mean the obvious appearance, but the completeness of who you are(external and internal), embracing the positives and minimizing the negatives.

Last year I was challenged to a one minute exercise of shadow boxing during a training session.  It lead to a reaction that caught both of us off guard, from that one moment grew something i could not have imagined,something life changing.

My trainer told me to shadow box in front of a mirror, a exercise where I was to implement the moves I had learned by staring into a mirror and focus on myself, as if I were the opponent.  Simply meant to increase physical exertion and focus.The reaction I had to the mirror and my inability to look at myself was obvious, I was surprised, as was he at the extent to which I was uncomfortable with looking at my body, looking myself in the eye.

It was time for some soul searching, time to start understanding why I rejected what I saw physically, why was that the only thing I saw, why I only saw the imperfections http://tammysmirror.com/2010/08/accepting-our-imperfections/, why did it have to be such a negative experience?

I could not see the muscle I was developing, my shrinking waist, my crazy beautiful curly hair that my grandma had given me, the hands and body that have brought life into the world, saved lives and held hands while life slipped away.  The body that created and safely nurtured my two beautiful babies for months, comforted them when they feared and loved from the deepest places in my heart.  I needed to see more than my imperfect belly and not hate what I saw.  Self loathing does not lead to success of any kind.  What could I do?

A suggestion came from someone I never thought I’d have in my life-a life coach!  http://tammysmirror.com/2010/03/life-coach-a-mystical-creature/ I was to go home, turn out all the lights sit in a quiet room for 30minutes, breath and think about who/what I was.  I never would have dreamt the impact that 30 minutes would have-I was left exhausted and tearful.  My reflection was deeper than what I saw in a simple piece of reflective glass, it was who I was inside and out, and it was who I was becoming.  The outside would not be accepted by me no matter what form it took unless I truly accepted all of me.

My blog http://tammysmirror.com/why-tammys-mirror/ was born from that moment, with more than a few nudges from a dear friend, trainer and coach.  It is about a journey to confront, challenge and embrace what i see in that piece of glass.  I don’t know if I will ever love that reflection I see in the mirror but I will not quit, I will not allow negative thoughts and images to control me.  Many of the posts I’ve come from the heart and relate to the mirror or photos(the ultimate reflection), my hope is that we can all cheerish what we have an who we are as we improve our physical fitness. http://tammysmirror.com/2010/06/body-and-mind-disconnect/

What does your reflection look like?  Take a look and then sit quietly, embrace who you are, smile and breath.  Find the positive, it is there, allow yourself to be inspired by the positive you have within, it may be hiding in there, but it’s there……