I’ve been struggling to write.  I love to write, it’s been one of the most valuable tools I’ve had over the past 2 years.  Tools that have helped me decide to take control of my life and at the same let go of trying to control everything.  I haven’t been able to write recently because my head has been spinning, my thoughts have been all over the place.  I would start a post and then scrap it because I felt like I had nothing to contribute.  I’m not a “success story”, I haven’t accomplished anything great, no 100 pound weight loss, no marathon run,  no triathlon completed,  no amazing before and after picture to show.  It was a felling of failure, that I had let myself down,my family,my trainer, my previous coach-I had let everyone down.

I began to believe that I deserved to have horrible things happen to me because I my weight.  I did not deserve to have my dreams come true.  I found myself starting to give up.  When things “got worse” over christmas and I gained weight I had a sinking feeling in my heart.  I would never loose weight, I would never reach my physical goals.  This was it, this was the way it is going to be.

Then I realized something(even though it’s a conversation I’d had many times before with my very patient trainer something finally started to click). My realization was that I felt didn’t deserve to have the life I wanted.  There is something that was holding me back.  FEAR.  Fear of everything, of success, of failure, of what people would think of me-now and later.  I’ve never been one to care what people think of me: how I raise my children, my tattoos, what friends I have, who I love, the people I surround myself with, where I live and on and on.  But for some reason I allow myself get completely enveloped by what people  think when it comes to my weight.  I think part of it is my fear of success and failure.

I find myself explaining to people without being prompted that it will be a slow process and in a round about way-don’t expect big results.  I prime myself and others for my failure-”just in case”.  Just in case I fail.  I haven’t walked around telling people that I will succeed, because it gives me a window for failure.  I won’t have to face up to anything.  And if I quit? Well nobody expected me to accomplish anything anyway.  I can say “I tried”.

What I didn’t realize was that I was setting myself up for self defeat.  I was making it OK for me to fail and then quit.  I now realize that the times I didn’t meet my goal I was actually getting one step closer to what I wanted.  Instead of moving forward after a defeat I wasted time in self pity and self defeating confirmation.  I truly can’t imagine what life would be like if I physically and mentally get to the place I want to be. I suppose instead of forcing myself to step forward, stand my ground and force myself to see what the result could be, it’s easier to fall back on old habits and accept defeat.

I expected not to succeed and I didn’t!!  It’s easier for me to quit when no one expects me to win, especially  me!  Given my personality if I did succeed I don’t think people would be as shocked as I think they would be.  Maybe I wouldn’t be either, if I constantly told myself I was going to get what I wanted.  Why do we hesitate to praise ourselves.

Why can’t we smile and say thank you for a compliment. Why can’t some of us just take a breath and say from the pit of our stomachs that “this is it” “I deserve this” I’ve got what it takes” “I will get what I want and need”.  There seems to be something in many of us(especially women) that makes us feel like we shouldn’t be so positive about what we can accomplish.  Strange, considering some of the things I have done.  Hell, I made a couple of humans and then proceeded to deliver them into the world

I’m starting to get this, and it will probally take me a long time before I get the complete picture, but I won’t quit.  I need to trust myself and not live with a fear of failure.  I need to dig deep, nobody can do this but me.  I want to surround myself with people that are positive, kick my ass when needed, and allow me to have the occasional meltdown and self doubt(but not allow me to drown in it).  This is going to be tough, but so what-nothing worth having is easy….right?

Can it be fun-Absolutely, but it’s OK to have to suck it up once in awhile.  That’s just life, anyone that tells you life is bliss and they’ve enjoyed every second and never struggled .  A little struggle just makes us tougher – focusing on the struggle and not the end result will just set us up for failure.

Here’s the part where I want to say, please excuse, this is not my best writing ever-not even close.  That’s the part of me that warns you of my failure.  It’s time to move on from this kind of thinking.  Kicking a little ass in life is not a bad thing, taking charge and committing to success is not a crime.  So stick around and read again-I might stumble and fall, get down on myself, allow my self defeating attitude to take me down…..but I can assure it will not beat me.  Part of winning is never quitting, no more quitting.

I’m not a failure, life is more than a number on a scale.  It can not BE my life, but for now it has to be part of it.  Look around, listen to the people you surround yourself with.  They are there for a reason, if you can not find reason for them then move on.  It is your life, it’s time for us all to be strong.  What ever struggle we have, whatever mind set we are in-allow space in your life for success.  I once had a wise person tell me a little stumble of the trail does not mean I’ve fallen into a deep revenue.  Words to live by.