A short four letter word with big meaning and big consequences.  As human beings fear has an innate purpose, it is meant to keep us alive, protect us from danger and make us aware of our surroundings.  Fear is that gut feeling that makes us decide is it a time to run or time to fight-either way, it is supposed to keep us alive.  It is supposed to be a good thing, but is it a good thing for all of us, all the time?  Is there such a thing as fearless?

I am afraid, afraid of too many things, so much so that it leads me to feel paralysed, immobilized in my tracks, frozen in life.  This is not the purpose for which it is meant.  How can I save my life if I am so scared I can not move.  To most people I’ve never been considered fearful.  I’ve been called brave, gutsy, ballsy, crazy, someone that takes chances and soaks up challenges with passion.

I have had great success in life, career, I am incredibly proud and confident has a nurse and as a mom(most days), I believe that I can do most things I attempt, like the day I packed my jeep and headed for canada’s arctic to be a flight nurse, at 3 A.M. when my son was delivered by emergency c-section, when I moved countries with my family, or when I have been faced with a dying child and their parent screaming in my ear to do something-I had fear but it made me choose to fight, I was scared but I stayed calm and did whatever I could to get the outcome I needed to get.

Why then have I allowed fear to engulf me time after time when it comes to fighting for myself.  Why did I choose to to stand still-I did not run, I did not fight.  Why have I not been able to channel that passion, determination and grit into a fight for me.  Why am I so terrified and what am I so scared of?  If there’s ever been something you’ve wanted but fear as kept you from leaning forward and jumping into a new life, an adventure or becoming what you want…you understand.

I fear I will fail, I will fail at never reaching a fitness goal, a weight, an appreciation for what I see in the mirror and what I feel inside.  That I will never learn to conquer those things and just live.

I fear success, what will I do with it when I get there, and where exactly is “there”, do I know exactly what I want and do I need to know exactly where I will end up to start moving forward? Who will I be then and what will I have to do get there.  What if I’m not strong enough.  When I get that self I want, will I know what to do with it.

I’m afraid of making a mistake, how do I decide when to take control and when to let go?  What will I have to do to get to where I want to be, am I willing and tough enough to do that.

Can I push through the fear of dying, dying young and leaving behind two beautiful children that need me.  I am scared that I will die fat, that I will die during a workout, you may not understand these concepts if you’ve never lived my life, but it’s real.  The legacy I don’t want to leave behind is dying fat-I fear that is all anyone will remember of me, even though I know I am so much more.   Some may say use the fear to push through the workout, but this is the paralyzing emotion I speak of-afraid to do and afraid not to.

I think dying young is a fear of most people, but for anyone struggling with a body that they don’t appreciate, it can incapacitate us.  My biggest fear-maybe not so much dying but the fear of what legacy I leave behind, that I will run out of time before I become what I want or before I get to impact the world the way I want.  I allow every challenge that is related to fitness, food and health to stop me in my tracks, I freeze with fear.  I start to think…what if…..

I don’t believe there is such a thing as fearless, even the most thrill seeking adventurer, hero and risk taker has fear, but it drives them to survive whatever challenge they take.  Even the smallest gut feeling that motivates a parachutist to pull the cord is fear,  the hero pilot that lands a disabled plane safely has fear-otherwise there would be no instinct to survive-they just channel that survival instinct to push aside fear and do what needs to be done.

It’s time for the negative thoughts and energy to go away.  I need to learn to channel the drive, commitment, passion and toughness I have in every other aspect of my life into saving me, valuing and trusting in me.  I need to find that place in my heart that knows my legacy is already in existence and it has nothing to do with the size of my waist.  It has to do with my love, heart, values, and knowledge I have used and shared with others, that will be what I leave behind-that is who I am now and I can only add more value to that legacy with every passing day.  I need to focus on a bigger purpose than reducing a number on a scale-my true purpose will help me use my fear to fight!

Are you afraid?  What pushes you through?  Am I the only one that thinks this way, am I really alone with this thinking?  Please leave your thoughts, success, dreams and fears…

hugs